Overcoming Abuse By Making #PositiveChoices
What Is Abuse And How Can We Overcome It?
What is abuse? It’s a term we use loosely that can often be misunderstood. We wanted to highlight a very personal approach to abuse in honour of the movement of 16 Days Of Activism For Violence Against Women And Children. There should be no misunderstanding about what abuse is; how to act against; receive the necessary treatment, and prevent it from happening in future.
Definition Of Abuse
The word “abuse” can be a verb or a noun, which means that it can be an action, or it can be regarded as a thing. The meaning that we associated with abuse in this context is:
To treat with cruelty or violence, especially regularly or repeatedly.
There are different forms of abuse that fit into the meaning above.
- Physical abuse
- Sexual abuse
- Verbal abuse
- Emotional abuse
Many people think that abuse is a visible act such as punching, slapping, kicking, burning, or the like. Verbal abuse can also be visible (or audible) such as tormenting publicly through shouting, swearing at, taunting or teasing. However, it’s the subtle emotional abuse that is overlooked because it’s not evident or in plain view. Emotional abuse can be through different means of manipulation, dismissing a person, belittling, bullying, undermining one’s power and abilities, talking down to a person, or making a person feel shame to the point of feeling worthless.
All forms of abuse are unacceptable forms of behaviour and we stand up against them all. Sometimes the simple act of saying no is enough to prevent it, other times more action is required.
How Do You Identify Abuse?
Signs Of Physical Abuse
Physical abuse is easier to spot, although people who have been physically abused tend to make up stories about why they are showing signs. They feel ashamed for having been abused, but also may want to protect their abusers.
The more frequent signs of abuse to look out for are:
- Bruises, cuts and scrapes, especially on the face, necks, arms and back
- Limping or complaints of pain
- Broken bones or fractures
- Burn marks
- Dental problems, such as missing teeth or cracked teeth
- Person makes excuses about what happened, such as they fell down the stairs or walked into a pole
- Person is jittery or on edge, fragile and fearful
- Low self-esteem or lack of confidence
- The person might shy away from social gatherings
- Signs of depression, sadness or anger
- Behaviour change that is out of the ordinary
Any signs of physical abuse should be addressed directly with the person who might be being abused. They could deny it or not want to take any action against it. In these instances, you can seek external help by consulting an authority or speaking to a professional consultant from your Employee Wellbeing Programme. They will be able to direct you towards the best course of action.
Signs Of Verbal And Emotional Abuse
Verbal and emotional abuse can often be referred to as psychological abuse due to the negative effects it has on the person’s psychological wellbeing. The tell-tale signs for emotional abuse are usually:
- Low self-worth
- Low self-esteem
- Feeling ashamed
- Feelings of inadequacy
- Lack of self-love
- Fear of speaking one’s mind
- Fear of doing something wrong
If you suspect that someone is being emotionally or verbally abused, encouraging a person to speak about their problems might not result in them opening up about it. They often feel so ashamed of the abuse that they blame themselves and are embarrassed to speak about it. As with all forms of abuse, sometimes it is necessary to seek external counsel through your Employee Wellbeing Programme in order to find a direction to take in preventing it from happening again.
Letting the abused person know that it’s not okay to be mistreated and that you are a safe space for them to speak about it might encourage them to open up over time.
Signs Of Sexual Abuse
Sexual abuse is difficult to spot if the person being abused does not speak out against his or her abuser. In children, the abuser will often coax the child to keep quiet about the abuse, calling it “their little secret” or saying that he or she will hurt someone if the secret ever became known. It’s important to pay close attention to cues that children give off because often these could be cries for help. Look out for the following signs:
- Behavioural change such as acting differently to normal
- Crying for no real reason
- Bed-wetting
- Having difficulties sleeping
- Becoming withdrawn or becoming clingy
- Wanting to avoid certain people (often the abuser)
- Displaying sexually inappropriate behaviour
- Complaining of pain or discomfort in their private areas
- Signs of bleeding in their private areas
If there is any suspicion about a child being abused, it’s important to address the issue immediately. Taking action against sexual abuse could be through any of the following:
- Withdrawing the child from the presence of suspected abusers
- Taking the child to the doctor for a check-up
- Taking the child to a child psychologist or play therapist to try and determine if they are being abused
- Reporting any abuse to authorities
- Contacting your Employee Wellbeing Programme for consulting, support and relevant referrals
If ever you are in doubt as to whether or not abuse is taking place, refer back to the meaning of abuse and apply it to the circumstances:
- If a person is being treated with even the slightest amount of cruelty, it is abuse
- If a person is being treated violently, it is abuse
- If there is a repeat of this kind of negative behaviour, it’s probably a very unhealthy, ongoing cycle of abuse that has been going on for a long time
What About Me? I Think I’m Being Abused
Abuse is not always obvious. If, after reading this, you think you are being abused, there are a few things you need to understand about the abusive behaviour that has been directed at you.
- Firstly, it is not your fault. You are not the cause of anyone’s behaviour and should not be made to feel as though you are
- Secondly, if you can, you need to try and detach yourself from the abuse by physically removing yourself. This is not always possible and can lead to further abuse so caution must be exercised
- Thirdly, disengage from any behaviour that is abusive. Create strong boundaries that can’t be overcome and don’t be afraid to stand your ground and say no
- Fourth, you must seek help. Your Employee Wellbeing Programme is trained to assist you and offer support and advice
- Fifth, be gentle with yourself as you will need time to heal. Consult a psychologist and speak to friends and family. Don’t keep a secret for fear of being ashamed. The shame is not yours to bear, you have done nothing wrong
Making #PositiveChoices To Overcome Abuse
A person who is being abused might not feel like they have the power to choose their circumstances, but you definitely can influence them. Making #PositiveChoices that empower you is the first step towards overcoming abuse. These pointers will help you find strength and self-worth again:
- Make your mental wellbeing a priority – when you are mentally strong, you know what is acceptable and what is not
- Make your physical wellbeing a priority – physical wellbeing allows you to cope in all situations that much easier
- Create strong boundaries for your abuser – this is not always possible in high risk situations. In these cases, it is important to first seek help and support before taking any action
- Don’t blame yourself – if there is any doubt in your mind about whether or not you are the cause of your abuse, consult a professional immediately to talk it through
- You are not responsible for your abuser’s behaviour – similar to the above. Don’t try to fix your abuser, this is not your responsibility. They need to fix themselves
- Build your support system – a supportive network of friends and family will be there to support you, talk things through with you, and also rescue you in dire circumstances
Seeking Help For Abuse
Whether you want to report an abuser, or know of a friend who is being abused, or you yourself are being abused; help is at hand. Your Employee Wellbeing Programme (EWP) has been carefully constructed to become a supportive channel for you to access whenever you need it. Simply calling your EWP is a good step in the right direction. You will be able to speak to a professional consultant who knows how to deal with these issues. They will be able to point you in the direction of the relevant care that you need.