The role of a father
In this article:
- Father-figures are important in a child’s life
- Dads can be positive role-models for sons and provide the right example of a future partner for their daughters
- Absent fathers can negatively influence their children’s self-esteem and sense of worth
Whether present or absent, positive or negative, the relationship a child shares with a father can have a lasting influence on his or her life.
On June 18 thousands of people across the globe honour their fathers on Father’s Day. The commemoration day celebrates fatherhood and the importance of a good father in the life of a child. Not all children grow up with sound relationships with their dads or even with a father figure in their lives. Research suggests that these children are at a disadvantage. They are more likely to struggle through difficult financial times, develop behavioural problems and struggle academically. They also have a higher risk of abusing drugs and/or alcohol later in life.
Dr Disa Mogashana grew up with an absent father. She describes her journey in a book due for release in June 2017. The book, entitled Unfathered, delves into her on-again/off-again relationship with her father and the feelings and uncertainty this caused in her life.
“The biggest impact on me growing up without a father is that no matter how well things are going in my life, I sometimes feel that I am not good enough,” explains Mogashana. “I self-reject and feel unworthy of greatness. I don’t fully feel like I am acceptable and loved. These are psychological issues that I’ve had to address over and over in my life and they have many times manifested into health issues such as irritate bowl syndrome (IBS), headaches and muscle tension.”
Why dads matter
Fathers can have a profound influence on a child’s life either positive or negative, whether present or absent. The relationship a child shares with his or her father can affect self-esteem, academic performance and how the child forms bonds and relationships in later years.
Both mother and father bring different personal qualities and approaches to the home, creating balance and a sound support system. Where the dads of yesteryear were authority figures and the heads of their households, modern dads are more hands-on and involved in their children’s lives. Childcare roles are no longer left solely to the mother.
“Fathers bring a different dynamic into a child’s life,” says psychologist Colleen Johnson. “They have a more rough-and-tumble, more playful approach with their children. They are also role models for their sons and exemplify the qualities their daughters look for in a husband.”
Absent father-figures
“When boys don’t have a strong male figure in their lives, they often try and assert authority in the home from a young age,” says Johnson. “Without a male role model they don’t have anyone to model their behaviour on or a man who they can turn to when they have questions or concerns. Girls without a male figure may later attract strong masculine figures into their lives and these may not be ideal.”
A number of factors come into play when a child grows up without a dad. The reasons why the father is no longer part of the child’s life will play a significant role. Did the father pass away? Did the parents get divorced and dad is no longer part of the child’s life or has there never being a father figure in the home?
Johnson says that poor self-esteem, behaviour problems, children who take on the role of parent, depression, grief, trust issues, academic problems and even substance abuse are just some of the problems these children face. The child may blame him or herself for the father’s absence. These emotions go with them into adulthood and can have a big impact on the child’s adult life and future relationships.
Both boys and girls need a strong male role model. If there is no father in the picture, mothers should look to a grandfather, uncle or perhaps a trusted sports coach and encourage a relationship between the child and this male figure.
Father-son relationships
A good father is important to his son because he will:
- teach him good morals and values
- teach him ‘guy stuff’
- provide balance and guidance in his life
- be a good role model and will show his son how to be a good husband/father one day
- build his son’s self-esteem
- teach him different ways of dealing with life’s problems
Father-daughter relationships
A good father is important to his daughter because he will:
- help her grow into a strong, confident women
- help shape her self-image
- be a good role-model and help her develop trust in the opposite sex
- exhibit the positive qualities she will one day look for in her own husband
- teach her morals and values
- provide balance and guidance in her life
- be her go-to guy for any questions she may have about the opposite sex
Be a better dad
Whatever your personal circumstances are – whether or not you live with your children, there is a number of ways that you can be a part of your children’s lives and ensure that they grow up knowing that you love them and value them.
- Choose to spend quality time with your child doing something he or she wants to do. “This doesn’t have to be hours and hours of time,” says Johnson. “Doing something together for 40 minutes, with your undivided attention, is quality time.”
- Keep the lines of communication open. Even when you don’t see your children every day, stay in close contact with them. Know what is happening in their lives – how things are going at school or on the sports field. Be interested in their lives and achievements.
- If you do live with your family, don’t be afraid to show affection to your wife in front of your children. Always show respect to your partner. You don’t always have to disagree behind closed doors. Children need to learn that there are healthy ways of dealing with conflict within in relationships. However, you should never shout, scream or belittle each other in front of your children.
- Even in a divorce situation, how you treat your child’s mother can teach respect, integrity and conflict resolution in a mature way. Parents may divorce, but this doesn’t meant that they have divorced their children. “Children should never have to choose sides,” says Johnson. “This can damage a child’s self-esteem and cause conflict, feelings of guilt and even depression.”
- Johnson says that if you only see your child occasionally, avoid taking on the role of the Disney World Dad. “Avoid over-indulging your child,” she says. “You need to find a balance in your relationship. This means taking care of your child’s needs but also being involved in all aspects of their lives – their sporting activities, peer relationships and school career.”
References
- Colleen Johnson, psychologist
- Disa Mogashana, Unfathered, Evera, 2017, www.DestinyMan.com/2017/05/18/unfathered-memoir-woman-grew-without-dad/
- She Knows Lifestyles, www.SheKnows.com
- Web MD, www.WebMD.com
- The Real Love Company, www.RealLove.com