Raising well teenagers in a modern world
In this article
- Teenagers need guidance to make good decisions
- Open non-judgemental communication with your teen is vital
- Pressures on teenagers shouldn’t be under-estimated. Don’t ignore signs of depression and anxiety
Parents have a responsibility to guide their teenagers to make good decisions when faced with tough choices
Modern teenagers are growing up in a very different world to the one that their parents grew up in, one with many different challenges – some that parents may not even be aware of.
Underage sex and teen pregnancy are among the most worrying of the challenges facing teenagers today. The World Health Organisation states that about 16 million girls aged 15-19 give birth every year, and a further one million girls under 15 years of age. The highest teen pregnancy rates in the World occur in Sub-Saharan Africa.
Earlier this year, in a response to a parliamentary question from the Democratic Alliance, the Minister of Basic Education Angie Motshekga revealed that over 42,000 girls in Grades 3 to 12 fell pregnant between 2014 and 2016. The 2016 rates were significantly lower than previous years but of grievous concern is the number of pregnant primary school learners included in these statistics.
Talking to your teen
Parents need to educate themselves on the challenges that teens are facing today. Some parents avoid discussions on drugs, pornography, teenage sex and sexual orientation. Others may skirt the issue and hope that the school curriculum will fill in the blanks. This is not always the case. The Life-Orientation syllabus only briefly highlights some topics. Most teens want to talk to their parents about tough topics, but parents may feel unsettled, ashamed to talk about them or unsure how to start the conversation.
Communication is a vital tool to ensure that your teen is equipped with the right tools, skills and strategies to make good decisions when faced with tough choices. Parents need to overcome feelings of shame or shyness in order to engage with their teens on these topics. Many parents worry that talking openly about them will exposure the child prematurely or cause him or her to experiment. Parents need to consider that kids have access to information at the touch of a button. If you won’t answer your child’s questions, Google will. The answer given may not necessarily be incorrect but you would have lost a vital opportunity to convey your thoughts, values, belief systems and morals to your teen and give reasons why you feel this way.
When talking to your teen
- Don’t lecture or talk down to your child – he or she isn’t stupid.
- Be the parent – you are not your child’s BFF*. Don’t be silly or contrite in the moment. Be adult in your approach to sensitive topics.
- Don’t judge or attack your child. He or she is unlikely to hear anything you say after the first sentence. Don’t shout or rant.
- Give your teen a chance to talk. Encourage questions.
- Keep an open door policy – invite them to come back later with other questions.
- If your teen wants to talk to you make an effort to stop what you are doing and listen – even if it is at a difficult time. When a teenager wants to open up, don’t shut him or her down.
- Be a negotiator not a dictator. For example, if your teen wants a later curfew, ask for reasons why and be willing to consider the idea. Don’t automatically say “No”.
Let’s take a look at some of the challenges teenagers are facing and how parents can open doors for frank conversations and get more involved in their teen’s lives.
Smoking, alcohol and substance abuse
Even if your teen understands the risks involved with underage drinking and substance abuse, peer pressure and even bullying behaviour may push him or her into a difficult corner.
- Have a talk about this sooner rather than later – if your teen is going out with friends and to parties, don’t delay. Most 12 to 13 year olds already know someone who smokes, uses alcohol or even drugs.
- Don’t try and scare your child – teens are too smart for this. Present the facts. If your teen knows about the dangers and risks involved, he or she is much more likely to make a good choice if presented with drugs or alcohol.
- Talk about the effects of alcohol and drugs on one’s cognitive ability and how this can lead to risky sexual behaviour. Discuss the devastating consequences of drinking and driving.
- Encourage your child to ask questions or get involved with anti-drug programmes at school. Be willing to get involved with anti-drug programmes in your community.
- Be a role model to your teen – if you smoke, consider quitting and tell your child why you are quitting. If you use alcohol, always do so responsibility.
Underage sex and teen pregnancy
This can be a difficult conservation for some parents but an important one, both for the parents of girls and boys.
- Talk to your teen about sex and what your personal morals and values are surrounding this. Talk about your choices and why you’ve made then. If you made mistakes, be willing to share these with your teen and explain why the choices you made were wrong.
- Talk about peer pressure and equating ‘sex’ and ‘love’. Girls should be aware that they have a right to say “No” and that if a boy cares for them as he says he does then he will respect that decision.
- Talk about the health side of sex, risky sexual behaviour and the risk of contracting sexually transmitted infections. Some may have long-lasting consequences through one’s life.
- Explain the risks of teen pregnancy and its effect on a growing body and the difficulties and financial responsibility for raising a child while still trying to get an education yourself.
Safety online
While teens are already likely to understand some of the dangers of the internet, is it important to continue to have these conversations.
- As soon as your children are old enough to use the internet, it is vital that you have conservations regarding the dangers. Have parental-control software in place to protect your child. If your child is under 16, you should be regularly checking his or her phone and computer.
- Monitor the amount of time your child spends online every day, this includes cell phones.
- Have rules in place with regards to socialising online and giving out personal information, photos or video to strangers.
- Create daily times and spaces in your home that are tech-free. This will give the family time to reconnect after a long day and catch up on how everyone is doing without interruptions.
- Online additions include gambling, pornography, gaming and others. If your child seems to be spending a lot of time of online, take time to find out what they are doing.
Depression and anxiety
Today’s teens are facing an extraordinary amount of stress to perform academically as well as on the sports field and in cultural activities. According the South African Depression and Anxiety Support Group (SADAG) the suicide rate among children aged 10 to 14 has more than doubled in the last 15 years. Peer pressure, bullying, cyber-bullying, domestic violence, personal situations and conflicts regarding sexual orientation are just some of the reasons why teens commit suicide.
- Talk to your teen about the effects of negative stress and how time management and planning are important to maintain a healthy balance in life.
- If your teen seems overwhelmed, ask if he or she would rather drop an activity or two.
- If you notice that your teen seems withdrawn or depressed, ask about it. Show kindness and listen. If your teen opens up to you – don’t judge, shout or blame them. Don’t push or force them to talk to you. Suggest professional counselling if they feel they aren’t able to talk openly with you.
- Take it very seriously if your teen mentions suicide or seems to be saying “Goodbye”. SADAG says that 75% of all suicides give warning of their intentions to a friend or family member. Seek immediate intervention for your child.
* Best Friend Forever
References
- Web MD, www.WebMD.com
- The World Health Organisation, www.WHO.int
- The South African Depression and Anxiety Support Group, www.sadag.org
- The South African Government website, www.gov.za
- Health Line, www.HealthLine.com