Sharing couple-time
You pledge to share your life with your partner, but how well do you share your time?
Whether you have a newborn, a toddler, primary school kids or several teenagers at home, one thing all parents will agree on is that there just doesn’t seem to be enough hours in the day. Juggling the demands of parenting, trying to earn a living, managing a home and building and nurturing the relationship you share with your life partner can seem like almost too much to handle.
Experts say that communication is important in any healthy relationship. Time spent with your partner helps to strengthen the bond between you, focus on your relationship and gives you an opportunity to work on problem areas.
“Any relationship, personal or professional, requires effort at the basic level such as building trust, communication, connecting, committing to get together, support and more,” explains Paula Quinsee, a relationship expert and author of the book, Embracing Conflict. “By default we need to work on them, in other words we need to make time for our relationships or over time we won’t have a relationship, they will simply fade away as there is no perceived value.”
As parents you need time to:
- talk about the children privately (from general schedules, to house rules and deeper concerns)
- connect as a family unit
- have fun with your children
- spend time with each of your children individually
As a couple you need time to:
- talk about what’s going on in your individual lives
- discuss issues that need to be addressed (house, garden etc.)
- discuss finances
- talk about your feelings (concerns, worries, your love for each other)
- deal with conflict (small issues can become big issues if they are not dealt with)
- be together, connect and make love
Why make time for your partner?
“We all get caught up in the day-to-day grind of life and surviving,” says Paula. “As a result of this we tend to lose touch with what is important to us, like our loved ones and families. This is where spending quality time together helps to keep the connection and bond going between couples.”
Paula says that couples who make their relationship and each other a priority tend to be more supportive, caring, loving, connected and are able to work through challenges together versus those who don’t.
“When couples do spend quality time together they should make a conscious effort to talk about things outside of the day-to-day chores and family needs,” suggests Paula. “They should focus on what’s working in their relationship, what’s not working, how they can be better partners for each other and what couple goals they are working towards. Couples who make time for each other have a stronger foundation to work from.”
Quality time together
1. DAILY
Make a commitment to spend time with your partner every day, to reconnect on a personal level and keep abreast of what is going on in each other’s lives. Use the time to connect with each other – do something you both love. Talk about your day. Be mindful in the moment. Put away or turn off distractions. Be a listener.
When?
- Over morning coffee (before you wake up the kids)
- Walk the dog after dinner (if you have a caregiver for the kids)
- When the kids are in bed
- Over Skype or instant chat – if someone is away on business
“Communication is key in every relationship and each couple needs to find what works best for them and their situation, like in the case of a long distance relationship,” says Paula. “Where possible, couples should look to spend face-to-face time with each other as this builds intimacy – that feeling of being close, connected, affectionate and safe with each other. In saying that, we do live in a digital world and sometimes digital channels are the quickest way to communicate, however couples need to find the balance to ensure messaging and meaning is not lost in the process. When communication stops – war starts.”
2. DATE NIGHT
Set up a weekly ‘date’ with your partner. If you can’t make it a regular day of the week, check schedules on Friday for the following week and pen it in your diary. Make a note to arrange a baby sitter. This will help you connect as a loving couple away from the children and help keep the romance alive.
Ideas
- A week day lunch together. Meet at a convenient place for both.
- Friday night movie night. Get a babysitter or ask grandparents to help out.
- Dinner and dancing.
- Play a sport together – tennis or golf on Saturdays perhaps.
- Start classes or get a hobby you both enjoy – such as cooking classes or dance lessons.
3. A WEEKEND AWAY
You may have been contemplating this for some time, but always seem to put it off… “Perhaps when the kids are older”… “When I get my raise” or “When I’m not so busy at work.” Plan it. Get accommodation and go! It’s great to just be lovers again. There is no need to feel guilty about the children. As long as they are being taken care of by a responsible adult then the time away from you is an important lesson for them as well.
When?
- For Valentine’s Day
- For your wedding anniversary
- As a special birthday gift
- Any time that you can both get leave. Make the effort!
Resources
- Paula Quinsee, author of Embracing Conflict – a self-help guide filled with practical exercises and tools for personal growth and development www.paulaquinsee.com
- Real Simple, www.realsimple.com
- Young Parents, www.youngparents.com
- Bustle, www.bustle.com