Get along gang
Tips to help you help your children better get along with each other.
Sibling rivalry, bickering and fighting can drive parents up the wall. From crying and tantrums to a full-on war, coping with kids who just can’t seem to get along can be very challenging and can affect family life.
Some rivalry between siblings is perfectly natural and even healthy. While parents should never pit one child against another, natural competition between two siblings can push them to put in more effort with sport and academics. Some conflict can be good too and can help to prepare kids for relationships outside the family circle.
Problems can arise when parents take sides – or are perceived to be taking sides – with one child against another. For example, an older child may feel that the parent always takes the side of the baby. Jealousy may arise if one child is a high achiever and frequently receives praise from teachers and parents. This can be demoralising for the sibling who struggles to ‘measure up’.
As a child grows and develops his/her own personality, differences of option and personality clashes can lead to squabbles or more heated fights between siblings. Older children also develop a sense of self and may become quite protective of their belongings and private space, causing ructions if a siblings takes something without asking.
Here are some guidelines to help your kids learn to accept their siblings, forge good relationships with each other and learn to disagree in an amicable way.
Toddlers
- Prepare your toddler for a new sibling during your pregnancy.
- When then baby arrives, allow him/her to feel part of the process, not replaced.
- Spend time playing with your toddler and his/her other siblings as a family.
- Spend time playing with your toddler on his/her own.
- Encourage him/her to share his/her toys and sweets etc. – not only with siblings but friends too.
- Encourage nurturing behaviour between the siblings. For example: ask your toddler to ‘help’ you change the baby.
Pre-schoolers
- Set house rules for appropriate behaviour, like no smacking or calling each other ugly names.
- Treat each child as an individual and make time for each them every day.
- Don’t compare them. For example, “You are so untidy. Joe is two years younger than you and he always picks up his toys.” This is demeaning and breeds resentment.
- Encourage and compliment your kids when they work and play together nicely.
- Play sports, activities and board games that encourage kids to work together to solve problems. Take turns with mom and dad against the kids, then give each child a turn with mom or dad.
Primary school learners
- Some conflict is good to teach your child valuable life lessons. If your children are squabbling over which movie to watch, give them a chance to work it out between them before you step in. If things get too heated, provide some valuable input, but still encourage them to come up with the solutions.
- Don’t automatically assume that you know what is going on or has happened between two siblings during a fight. Give each one a chance to explain. Be a mediator who helps both parties reach a compromise and amicable solution.
- Don’t label a child a troublemaker and instantly take the other one’s side.
- Teach your child to respect his/her sibling’s belongings, boundaries and private time. If you want to borrow something, ask first. Knock before you barge into someone’s room.
- Allow your child a chance to express his/her feelings to you in private. Give advice on how to deal with feelings of anger, sadness and frustration without lashing out with violence.
- Have zero tolerance for bullying behaviour.
Tweens and teens
- Put guidelines in place so your tweens and teens know that some behaviour is unacceptable, like door-slamming and foul language.
- If a common issue arises between your kids, find an amicable long-term solution. For example, with squabbles about video games – set time limits for each child.
- Encourage them to work out disagreements on their own and in a mature way. Only get involved with guidance if things get too heated.
- Let your kids know that backing down or accepting that you are wrong isn’t a weakness but rather shows strength of character.
- Keep your cool and don’t take one child’s side over another. Always be honest and play fair.
- If your tween or teen sulks after an argument with a sibling, don’t be tempted to get involved. Just let them work through their feelings in their own time and space.
- Don’t forget special alone time with each child – they still need it at this age.
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